Does Excellence Require External and Internal Virtue?
Bettina responds to my post on Kissing via email:
This whole story once again made it very clear that your expectations are very elitarian, exclusive - that applies to grad-school selection as well as to your partnership ordeal - you have very specific, clear expectations of where you want to study and whom you want to fuck, you have a very specific and detailed picture of the society you want to live in, of the people you want to be around, even how those people “should” be like. On the other side, you give a shit of whether your shower curtain is moldy, or whether you eat crap all day long, you give a shit about the unnecessary details of life. It just doesn’t seem to fit together. At least to me, it doesn’t fit. In your set of mind, your life is elitarian and well-thought of, high-aimed, ideal on one side, and, in reality it is nothing like that. It’s all bubbly, and you’re coughing and biting fingernails. And, of course, are still waiting for the “look” to reoocur in your life.
I eagerly await the look. Everyone should.
The well thought world that I describe and aspire to does not mesh well with the day to day details of my life. So while I write and hope for this great love my shower curtain is covered in mold. I excessively chew my nails while dreaming and working towards acceptance at upper echelon graduate program. I cough. I dream.
Implicit in your argument for my incongruousness is that one who strives for perfection does so in all regards. Attaining perfection is not just a matter of overcoming the obstacles in your career or waiting for the perfect love, but it’s also keeping your house clean and organized and presenting oneself as nicely groomed and modish.
I categorically reject this argument. Those attaining internal perfection have neither the time nor the desire to perfect the minutiae of daily living. Good grief such things are so uninteresting. However, amongst a group of people I have noted that they have confused external presentation with internal self development. Those that present themselves with, shall we say external virtue, often times hoodwink others into thinking they have internal virtue. This almost entirely seems to be the point of devoting some much work and time to maintaining this external facade. These people aim to fool others into thinking they have internal virtue by demonstrating external virtue. This strategy works on many but not with those with confidence; that is those with high internal virtue.
Evidence for External Virtue Indicating Lack of Internal Virtue
I actually have empirical evidence to support this claim. My ex-friend Jeremy was the most fashionable and well-groomed friend I’ve had with the possible exception of Bettina. Jeremy had well manicured fingernails. They extend to the full length of the finger and were trimmed precisely in the half crescent shape to perfectly match the underlying shape of the fingertip. My fingernails are jagged and uneven. I use my teeth to rip them to shreds and then chew on the splinters for several hours afterwards. Sometimes I save them to continue chewing them the next day. In terms of external virtue Jeremy is handing me my ass.
Jeremy revels in the idea that he is a confident, deliberate, and wise. In other words, he likes to believe he has internal virtue. This is most obvious when he interacts with other people. He revels in being able to offer wisdom to those in trouble in the form of platitudes which he considers to be profound. He loves to be the strong confident person others come to for advice and solace. It his external virtue that provides him a steady stream of people accepting wisdom from him. Someone as well-kept as him must be wise or so the rationale goes.
It turns out though, that Jeremy has a profound deficit in internal virtue. There are countless stories demonstrating this fact, but i think his most recent behavior should suffice to prove the point.
Jeremy decided to move to Durham so that we could live as roommates. With his excellent serving skills he naively believed it would be easy finding a job at a first class restaurant in this area. After applying to only the four most prestigious restaurants and not being hired, he walled himself in his room and played World of Warcraft even though he lacked the money to pay rent. Obviously our friendship soured and I told him to get a job or move out. Rather than demonstrate some of that internal virtue he like others to believe he has, he choose to have his father pay for the cost of moving him back. A 30 year old man had has his father pay to move him back home so that he could continue to play a video game rather than get a job. Yeah, thats internal virtue.
Meanwhile, I have, some would say naively, applied to prestigious schools for over 5 years. I have been rejected well over 40 times. Yet, I have endured the adversity choosing to overcome the obstacles in my way. At no point did I call it quits, ignore the problem, and call in my father to bail me out of a problem I created for myself.
Asking the Question What is Virtue?
Jeremy is well-kept and keeps his apartment immaculate. I shave only once a week and my apartment is always in a disarray. I respond to failure by working to obtain the excellence needed to overcome the failure. Jeremy responds to failure by actively avoiding the problem until someone else manages it for him. It seems to me that the more virtuous you are externally the less virtuous you are internally. External virtue indicates a lack of internal virtue. For me, perfecting the self has very little to do with external virtue.
And so i put the question to you: is the virtuous man the one with perfectly manicured hands or the one with an indefatigable spirit?
July 27th, 2007 at 5:44 am
“It seems to me that the more virtuous you are externally the less virtuous you are internally.”
I do not think that this relation reflects my point that I wanted to make in the email to you - which is the point of congruence, of balance between the strive for higher goals on one hand and the details of everyday life on the other hand. I also don’t think that this relation (based on the empirical evidence of Jeremy) holds true in general. In my email, I was not talking about “the more, the less”, I was talking about an integration of both, external and internal aspects of virtue, so that the “overall” look on your life doesn’t appear to be as one whole big contradiction. You’re not credible when you say that you display the virtue of internal confidence while suffering a disorder of impulse control. Sorry, but that’s how it’s called when you bite fingernails (I used to do that, too, but I overcame it… I’m virtuous, aren’t I. Internally, of course… ha).
On one hand, I am thankful to you that you are not slamming into MY face while contrasting the external versus the internal qualities of virtue here, but rather restort to Jeremy, but on the other hand, I do not find it fair that you do this with Jeremy. Here and publicly. This issue, as well as the issue of “kissing” and “the look” and the fading therof (btw - how does one loose the look? Is “the look” an inherent quality of your partner, or does it exist in your perception only and hence is subject to disappear once your perception changes?) are private matters, which, in my opinion, and for the sake of the integrety of your friends and of your ex-lovers and to-be-lovers, should be discussed personally and privately: In your last post, you were literally having sex in public - this post was very graphic, and very intimate (and, as with everything, very abstract and theoretical).
But - who would want the whole world to know about one’s first kiss? It’s not only you that kissed - there always belong two to it - and I bet you havn’t asked the first one (whom we all know) whether she wants to do it “in public”, neither the second one (whom we all know, as well), whether she wants everyone to comment now. Sorry for sliding away off topic, here, so coming back to your question:
“is the virtuous man the one with perfectly manicured hands or the one with an indefatigable spirit?” For me, it’s the one with the most consistency within their own self - fingernails back or forth, self-actualization back or forth: It’s the integration of traits that make it to me. Well, and after all, your appearance is the only thing you have to show when you’re on the wait for “the look”. At least in the very early stages of contact. I bet, “the look”, despite all confidence that she possesses, will very likely look away very quickly when she notices a facade that diametrically opposes your inner glow. So, again, and once again - MODERATION: You can be self-actualized AND have a nice shower curtain. That is NO contradiction. You can look nicely dressed and always have the perfect shoes to go out to dinner AND be a sweet person at the same time. DON’T BE SO VERY DAMN EXTREME, Steve.
July 27th, 2007 at 6:21 am
remark: Good idea to open a new category - the category of “virtue” here on your blog. Others have done so before, as you know: have long and excessively philosophed about virtue, but none of those guys have mentioned “jeremy” within their theoretical frameworks…. Nietzsche hasn’t, as far as I know. Well, that makes you special, Steve.
July 31st, 2007 at 2:12 am
I only lack of impulse control if im trying to control not chewing my nails. I don’t try and control it because i enjoy it to much.
November 18th, 2007 at 12:22 am
[…] I turn thirty and Bettina gets me a nail filer. Well at least I’m self actualized. […]